Jokes, Riddles, Puns & Other Humor






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Humor

Hope you have a laugh while visiting here! With literally thousands of jokes, you're bound to crack a smile sooner or later. Or, if you're up to a challenge, try the riddles. If you don't get a pun, think agrin.


Some of Tom's favorites:

Jokes

Riddles


Missing Dollar

Three men went to a motel. The man behind the desk said the room is $30, so each man put up $10 and went to the room. A little while later the man behind the desk realized the room was only $25, so he sent the bellhop back to the 3 guys' room with $5. On the way to the room the bellhop couldn't figure out how to split the $5 between the 3 men, so he just gave each one of them $1 and he kept the other $2.

This meant that the 3 men paid $9 each for the room for a total of $27. Add the $2 that the bellhop kept = $29.

WHERE'S THE OTHER DOLLAR?



The following taken largely from www.humormatters.com


One-liners

  • I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Implants?"
  • If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
  • I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.
  • It seems too much to drink is not enough.
  • Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
  • If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
  • I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
  • I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
  • Shopping tip: You can get shoes for about a buck at the bowling alley.
  • I live in my own little world. But it's ok... they know me here.
  • If I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; then I must be perfect.
  • Always remember you are unique—just like everyone else.
  • I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
  • Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
  • Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
  • If carrots are so good for the eyes, why do I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
  • Where there's a will ... I want to be in it.
  • A penny saved is a government oversight.
  • It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two would fit.
  • As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
  • Life is sexually transmitted.
  • Lottery: A tax on people who are math-challenged.
  • I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
  • Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
  • On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  • A day without sunshine is, like, night.
  • How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
  • Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Mother: Dennis, why do you always get so dirty?
Dennis: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.


A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced, "Go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them." A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wyoming?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's a tricky one, I used to think "Why?," but now I know it's 'W'."


Oxymorons

  • Act naturally
  • Found missing
  • Resident alien
  • Advanced BASIC
  • Genuine imitation
  • Safe sex
  • Good grief
  • Same difference
  • Almost exactly
  • Government organization
  • Sanitary landfill
  • Alone together
  • Legally drunk
  • Silent scream
  • Living dead
  • Small crowd
  • Political ethics
  • Soft rock
  • Butt head
  • Military intelligence
  • New classic
  • "Now, then ..."
  • Synthetic natural gas
  • Passive aggression
  • Taped live
  • Clearly misunderstood
  • Peace force
  • Temporary tax increase
  • Plastic glasses
  • Terribly pleased
  • Political science
  • Tight slacks
  • Definite maybe
  • Pretty ugly
  • Twelve-ounce pound cake
  • Diet ice cream
  • Working vacation
  • Exact estimate
  • Microsoft Works

Unponderables of the English language

  • Did you know that "verb" is a noun?
  • How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can't spell them?
  • If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?
  • If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
  • If you've read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn't this also mean that you would have to "member" somebody in order to remember them?
  • In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?
  • Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable?"
  • Is there another word for a "synonym?"
  • Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
  • What is another word for "thesaurus"?
  • Where do swear words come from?
  • Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram?"
  • Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
  • Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
  • Why do people use the word "irregardless?"
  • Why do some people type "cool" as "kewl?"
  • Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a "whack?"
  • Why do we say something's out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works?
  • Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
  • Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
  • Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
  • Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolize two women living under one roof?
  • Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug?
  • Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
  • Why don't we say "why" instead of "how come"?
  • Why is "crazy man" an insult, while to insert a comma and say "Crazy, man!" is a compliment?
  • Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?
  • Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
  • Why is "dyslexic" so hard to spell?
  • Why is it so hard to remember how to spell "mnemonic?"
  • Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?
  • Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?
  • Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
  • Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
  • Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese?
  • Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
  • Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?
  • Why is it that the word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary?

25 Signs That You are Grown Up:

  1. Your potted plants are alive. And you can't smoke any of them.
  2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
  3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
  4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
  5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
  6. You carry an umbrella cuz you watch the Weather Channel.
  7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
  8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
  9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'
  10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
  11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
  12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
  13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
  14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
  15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
  16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
  17. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
  18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
  19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
  20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff.'
  21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
  22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
  23. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
  24. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
  25. You read this entire list and understood each sign.

25 Signs That You Have Had Too Much of the New Century

  1. You enter your PIN on the microwave before setting the time.
  2. You have a list of 15 phone #'s, to reach your family of three.
  3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
  4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
  5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
  6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
  7. You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Windows compatible.
  8. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
  9. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
  10. Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.
  11. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
  12. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase, is foreign to you. At a garage sale you ask if they accept cash.
  13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
  14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
  15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
  16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
  17. Your idea of being organized, is multicolored Post-It notes.
  18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
  19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
  20. You turn off your Modem and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
  21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.
  22. You wake up at 4 AM, to go to the bathroom and check your e-mail on your way back to bed.
  23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
  24. You can relate to this list.
  25. Even worse—you do most of the things on this list.

Proverbs for the New Millennium

  • Home is where you hang your @.
  • The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
  • A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
  • You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
  • Great groups from little icons grow.
  • Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
  • C:\ is the root of all directories.
  • Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
  • Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.
  • The modem is the message.
  • Too many clicks spoil the browse.
  • The geek shall inherit the earth.
  • There's no place like http://www.home.com
  • Don't byte off more than you can view.
  • Fax is stranger than fiction.
  • What boots up must come down.
  • Windows will never cease.
  • Virtual reality is its own reward.
  • Modulation in all things.
  • Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

Puns (and other such word plays for funs)

A good pun is its own reword.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier: Mach Turtle

Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

1000 aches: 1 megahurtz

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: bananosecond

Given the old adage "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step," the first step of a one-mile journey: 1 Milwaukee

1 million microphones: 1 megaphone

1 kilogram of figs falling 1 meter per second squared: 1 Fig Newton

1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen

"I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Tom said, Dolefully.

"That's the last time I'll ever pet a lion," Tom said, offhandedly.

"I'll never sleep on the railroad tracks again!" Tom said, beside himself.

"That's the third electric shock I've gotten this week!" Tom said, revolted.

"I'm never anywhere on time," Tom related.

"I won't let a flat tire get me down," Tom said, without despair.

"That car you sold me has defective steering!" Tom said, straightforwardly.

"I've been on a diet," Tom expounded.

"I'll have to send that telegram again," Tom said, remorsefully.

"I keep banging my head on things," Tom said, bashfully.

"Look at that jailbird climb down that wall," Tom observed with condescension.

"I remember the midwest being flatter than this," Tom explained.

"That's the third time my teacher changed my grade," Tom remarked.

"I'll have to dig another ditch around that castle," Tom sighed, remotely.

"I've lived through a lot of windstorms," Tom regaled.

"I haven't caught a fish all day!" Tom said, without debate.

"That mink coat is on wrong side out," Tom inferred.